Dear Boys, she'll find it

Dear Boys,

I have been thinking about a few things you inherited from me:

1. Poofy hair: It just sticks up no matter what you do. It requires hair product as you get older to make you appear presentable on dates, job interviews, etc. Your hair will always stick straight up unless you grow it out longer—at that point it will flop on your head like a straight mop and make you either look like a member of the Beatles, or Lloyd Christmas. Just now I said the Beatles to make you feel a little better—it will look like Lloyd Christmas. Still, I encourage you to accept your membership in the poof club. It’s out of your control.

2. A burning desire to hide and scare each of your family members: I understand there is a nature vs nurture argument here, but I’m proud, either way. It will always be fun.

(grainy pixelated screenshot doesn't do this scare justice)

3. An inability to find things that should be easily seen.

The last item is what I’m really here to talk to you about. At your age, not being able to find things isn’t necessarily a problem. You don’t even think twice about it. One day, however, you may find yourselves in my shoes—and the shoes of so many men throughout the

world—that is, unable to find something, but married to a woman who can find EVERYTHING.

I know what you’re thinking. “So you’re telling me one day I’ll have a wife with strengths which will offset my weaknesses? Sounds inspiring and like the recipe for a strong marriage, Dad.”

It’s not that easy, boys. The problem is that many, if not all, women carry this power of finding things—but each time it is used, it will be hung over your head as a reminder of your ineptitude and dependence on them. Let me give you a glimpse:

Future you: Honey, have you seen the peanut butter?

Future wife: It’s in the pantry

You: (still looking) Hmmm… you know, I don’t see it, I think we might be out?

Her: We’re not out, it’s in there.

You: I mean, I’ve seen our peanut butter before, I’m pretty sure it’s not…

Her: (sighs) Look again, we’re not buying more peanut butter…

You: (heart rate starts to increase, uncertainty creeps into your voice) Ok, I’m looking… (trying to buy yourself time and considering your options)

Her: (annoyed) Do you need me to come look?

You: (now a little defensive, and an inappropriate surge of self-assurance creeping in. You double down) Yeah. You know what, I actually I do you want you to look, I’ve looked

everywhere. There isn’t any.

This is where it happens. It’s a lose-lose situation. You secretly hope she can’t find any, proving that you’re not incompetent. But you do want the peanut butter. Still, the former sentiment takes control of you. There has to be no peanut butter left, right? At this point, the woman has you right where she wants you. Her natural, killer instincts kick in.

As you look on, she will find the peanut butter and it will be in plain sight. You will feel dumb.

It may even seem like she magically produced a jar on the spot, because where she finds it will be so ridiculous that there is no way you couldn’t have seen it. You will feel dumber.

With or without the haircut, you will feel like Lloyd Christmas each time she holds an item like this up and gives you the look that says, How many times, you poor man, must I leave what I’m doing to prove to you my finding prowess and your child-like dependence on me?”

It’s best to look for things without asking for help, go without the item, or buy it by yourself the next time you’re out. This is one of many areas where the two of you have not been created equal. Embrace it.